Date: 20 Dec 2018
Article by Violet Fenn
In this era of open-mindedness and hopefully healthy attitudes towards sex and sexuality, it comes as a surprise when people ask me nervously how they can to talk to their partners about using sex toys in the bedroom.
It happens more often than you might think - and it’s almost always women asking for advice. The most common concern is whether their partners will feel threatened by the prospect of having a mains-powered assistant in the room whilst they’re getting jiggy with it.
"There is absolutely nothing to be scared of when it comes to having a helping hand in the bedroom"
The obvious answer to this is that there is absolutely nothing to be scared of when it comes to having a helping hand in the bedroom. Look at it this way –if you know your partner can get their rocks off without you having to so much as lift a finger, then the pressure’s off. You can lounge around at your voyeuristic leisure, enjoy the show and know that your bed-mate is going to be satisfied, whatever happens. Or you can take things in hand yourself and use a sex toy to deliver pin-point ecstasy to your writhing partner.
If you want to get the best out of your sex life, you have to be prepared to occasionally push the boundaries. It doesn’t have to be intimidating – and it goes without saying that no one should feel pressured to do anything they’re not fully enthusiastic about. Sex should be fun, even when it’s filthy.
Masturbation is one of the most enjoyable and healthy pastimes there is, and sex toys are simply an extension of that fun. So, how do you broach the topic with your partner if you’re not sure how they’ll respond?
I’ll use the term ‘couples’ here purely for simplicity’s sake, but the principles are much the same, whatever your own personal set up.
Talking about intimate subjects can be difficult and a good way of taking the pressure off is to make it less direct. Try mentioning casually that you’ve read something about using sex toys as a couple and it sounds interesting. This way you can gauge your partner’s response without committing yourself to anything.
If the response is nervous or unenthusiastic, point out that with the sheer range of adult products around these days, it would be a shame to miss out on potential fun. And remind them that sex toys are simply the cherry on top of the sexy icing - they’re not supposed to replace the cake altogether!
"The lucky lady can stimulate herself until her knees are knocking"
The majority of women need clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm during sex. There’s a reason that ‘magic wand’ style personal massagers are so popular, and that reason is that they work. The lucky lady can stimulate herself until her knees are knocking, whilst her partner gets busy and makes the most of the extra excitement - as well as the view.
If you’re not quite ready to jump in at the deep end, start with something really basic. Blindfolds are one of the simplest yet most effective things you can use during sex –being unable to see what’s going on means that your other senses are heightened in comparison. Take it in turns to enjoy the sensations of not knowing what’s coming next.
"Using a condom to keep toys covered works perfectly"
When you do decide to buy ‘proper’ toys, don’t forget that many products can be used on partners of any gender. Vibrators aren’t just for those with a vagina – they give delicious stimulation to the penis and perineum and also work to tingle tender nipples. But always remember to clean toys properly between users. Using a condom to keep toys covered works perfectly - it’s simple, hygienic and easy to dispose of.
And don’t be surprised if your suggestions are met with more enthusiasm than you might have expected. There’s every chance that your partner’s been thinking along the same lines as you – they might be thrilled that you’ve beaten them to it.